I will break these down into two types of days. The good days and the bad days. The good days I felt top of the world and no we are not talking about bi-polar or anything like this. 

The bad days I just hated everything including life and everything about it. I could not deal with anything with out being so angry inside and I would lose it over anything. 

I lived this way for 40 years or more. Even as a very young child I was told it was this disorder then that and take this and that and it will all be ok. Well nothing changed and I continued to live this way and it almost killed me many times. 

Ok now what I called a good day..........................
These days were awesome and like heaven on earth to me. I had NO control over them or how long they would last or when they would happen.

They could come at any time of the day and could last from 20 minutes to several hours. Several times how ever they lasted for close to a week and I swear I was walking in the heavens here on earth.

Ok now what exactly are these good days that I am talking about ?
Well I would be flooded with a peaceful being and I would feel real and alive. I felt as if I had always been a girl and knew nothing else. I just felt so real and this is the time I truly was happy and could live in peace. I did not care how I acted and it was very hard to even hide the girl about me even if I had wanted to but I did not ever want to hide this part about me.

Nothing bothered me to the point of exploding. I could handle any problem and just sing my day away. If I did experience some stress I would just go get a dollar burger and hit the good wills and shop my day away. What would we ever do if we did not have some kind of shopping? 

This reminds me of something. All through out my life I was told I would make some one a good wife some day or you better not eat that for you need to watch your girlie figure. This began around the age of 3 or 4 and continued all through my life.

I had several close friends which were girls of course and they always told me at some point or another that I was more of a girl then they were. I would question this and every time I heard the same thing. Oh I am not putting you down. I am saying I wish I was more like you in many ways.

Well can you ever imagine that? I was always thinking about the same way. I wish I was more like you. L.O.L

After being tested and diagnosed as being inter sexed it was easy to explain why this happened. My endocrine system was out of whack. Another words I could not produce and regulate the proper hormonal balance.

Ok a quick out look on the bad days. I was hyper and felt sick and tired and I could not handle anything at all. I hated just about everything and nothing I did ever let me be happy or at peace.

I was in constant torment inside 24 / 7. A doctor once reckoned it to having the most severe p.m.s 24 hours a day every day of my life.
It seems we now know that even allowing "T" to be in a high female range is poison to my being. I can not handle it at all.

Hence the reason for regulating my hormones. See the good days or the days that I felt real and normal my body would place my hormones in the ideal female range. Any variation away from this would put me into over load and I just can not live like that. No one can for long.

To sum it all up Testosterone is a poison to me and Estrogen is as a savior unto me. With in hours after starting to regulate my hormones in the female range I once and for all knew that I knew this was who I was.
I had found my happy place. I was alive and I felt real and no more did I feel dead or wrong or fake.

I remember in my sixth month of regulating my hormones I was living in an apartment on campus at Western Michigan University and I found out how real I truly was. 

A friend of a friend came over and she began hitting on me before she left and the best part about it was she liked "girls". Hmm do you think?
A few days later this awesome guy made me feel, well never mind that but the short of it is that he very firmly put me in my place and humbled me and he took me grocery shopping and then cooked me one of the most wonderful meals I have ever had.

Ok so I loved the attention. I mean he was all gentleman and I never did anything for myself. He even walked out to the middle of the parking lot as I pushed the cart back and by the time I got to my door it was open.

No we did not have sex but he did make me melt. I tell you this with all of my heart. When he first told me he was cooking me a meal and I was eating I politely said no that was ok. L.O.L  He turned to me and very firm and strict said NO Jami I am not asking you. YOU are going to eat what I make you. 

Now normally some one getting loud like this would have made me feel threatened but NOT this time. I felt a wave of scared run through me which lasted about a second and then I was in bliss. I melted into the kitchen chair and well you know.

Any way this is a very shallow look into my life growing up and it should give you a general idea any way.
For now thank you for reading this and I will be adding more soon.

Love Jami